Yo Shaq, How Did Wade's Ass Taste?

Whoa, wait a minute. Is it 2004 again? What the hell? Is that Shaquille O'Neal dissing Kobe Bryant? THE Shaquille O'Neal? I thought the guy retired? Or wait, wasn't he traded to the Suns and promised to get them a ring since he was "mad" about people saying he was washed up? How far did the Suns get in the playoffs again? Oops...they lost in 5 games? No way! You'd think with an angry Shaq, the Suns would have won the title! He is the "MDE" after all! That's okay though; Shaq will get them next year. He's not done yet. His 36 year old body is still as dominant as it always was....combined with the likes of 34-year-old Steve Nash and 36-year-old Grant Hill, the Suns are definetly going to win the 2009 title!

All right, let me just cut the shit and link to the video that definitely made this summer more lively for the media and bloggers alike: Shaq's freestyle towards Kobe, also dropping as a single on your local hiphop radio station as "(Kobe) Can't Do It Without Me". If you haven't watched the video about 100 times by now, I'm definitely surprised. You should watch it once more, just for fun.

I will admit that the freestyle itself is funny, but what I find even funnier is Shaq's insecurity, as proven by this whole spectacle. People will give him props for being so creative, and say "Oh, stop being so anal! That's just Shaq being Shaq!". No, "Shaq being Shaq" was relevant when he actually could do shit on the basketball court to back up all the immature and (sometimes) funny things that he'd say. This is Shaq being an idiot; this is Shaq trying to be relevant in 2008, when he hasn't been relevant since 2006...or maybe even 2005.

"Kobe, tell me how my ass taste?"

Well Shaq, if that's the question you want to ask, let me ask YOU something. You didn't win shit with Penny, so he doesn't matter. But those three rings you had with the Lakers? Yeah, those three straight championships that gave you the balls to call yourself the MDE? Did you win those with Kobe Bryant? Remind me, cause we all obviously have forgotten. Hmmm...come to think of it, you did! Now I remember. Jeez, the way you're dissing him now, you'd think Kobe Bryant was Devean George in those years. Game 4 of the 2000 NBA Finals. Do you remember that? When you were on the bench and Kobe Bryant singlehandedly won your Lakers the game? Yeah, does that bring back any memories? Maybe it should. In that case, maybe you should be telling us how Kobe's ass tastes as well? Afterall, you needed him quite often during those championship years, did you not?

You know what actually, the better question to ask you would be:

"Shaq, How Did Wade's Ass Taste?"

That even rhymes too. I think that's an intriguing question, don't you? After all, had it not been for Wade (and his partner in crime, Benett Salvatore), you would not have won jackshit in Miami. Who was the 2006 NBA Finals MVP again? You? Oh wait, I was thinking of 2002. I forgot you weren't even that relevant in 2006. Your boy D-Wade won it...you know, in those "dominant" days of yours, playing for the wonderful Heat organization. Oh wait, you dissed the Heat organization after you left? That's cool. That's your thing, I understand. You "love em, not leave em" right? That doesn't explain why you dissed LA, Miami, and soon-to-be Phoenix though. But whatever, it's all good Big Irrelevant. We all love you. You are a media darling. Everything you say is funny obviously....but If Kobe Did That, and pulled what you just pulled, would you have taken it "all in fun?" Yeah...thought so.

Whatever though, it's all good, Shaq. Just keep begging your attention. The media loves it, and you give us something to talk about. Just watch out for when the 2008 Western Conference champs face you guys for the first time next year, okay? You might want to give a little extra effort than your usual "5 points-and-3 rebounds-in-28-minutes" kinda games. Good luck on your quest to be relevant again though, for real. I really thought you had retired...or simply you know...gotten over Kobe Bryant? Guess you haven't. I still have hope though Big Irrelevant...just keep trying.